AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the Week of July 28, 2008

Some of the past week was interesting. Some of the past week was infuriating. The rest felt as if everyone was bidding their time until Charles Pratt’s stories were up and running.

Greenlee: He's telling Annie first?

Zach: Yeah, he's going to tell his wife, yes.

Kendall: Well, but we are his real family.

Aidan: I'm going to get some iced coffee. Anybody?

This conversation both amused me and appalled me. Amused because both Thorsten’s and Aiden’s delivery were spot on. In real life, Aiden Turner has a droll and very self-aware sense of humor. The writers channeling his natural talent into his onscreen character is a good thing indeed. Appalled because the women were being irrational and the men were, to be honest, a bit condescending. This type of behavior between the sexes is happening excessively on AMC. Is this really what viewers, female or male, want to see?

“Then do for her what you have done for Babe time and time again.”

“I know you can keep secrets from your husband. God knows you kept them from me.”

Adam may have forgiven Krystal’s past misdeeds, but clearly, he has not forgotten them. As for me, I have neither forgotten nor forgiven but must admit Adam and Krystal have amazing chemistry.

“I need some alone time to get back to being me.”

“I really do think purple is your color.”

“He forgot his stapler.”

“It's always the same. You find yourself a new toy to play with, and then you get bored, or you break it. Either way it gets tossed, and then you come back. …It never changes. But this time, maybe it will. Maybe I won't be waiting. “

Ahh, Jackson, do you remember Erica used the “alone…back to me” line as an excuse to move out of your shared home? Erica used that get-back-to-me time to have a very painful affair with Jeff. OK, the affair may not have been painful for Erica and Jeff, but having to sit through it caused me pain.

The Jackson/Erica scene did give me hope. The hope that Jackson’s days as Erica’s sexual, legal, and emotional lackey are drawing to a close. Jack was quick to realize that a stapler, even a monogrammed one, is a less personal gift than a silk tie. (On the other hand, maybe Jack’s gift was more intimate than it first appeared. After all, it was the biggest stapler that I have ever seen. In addition, it had a very bulbous curved head. I am feeling a bit warm. Perhaps it is time to end all this stapler talk.)

It would be wonderful if Jack were otherwise occupied when Erica deigns to return to him. It would a good time for Skye to return to the Valley. Skye successfully dealt with the mob during her absence from the Valley. Her mob experiences included setting her husband up for a mob hit. She might turn out to be the strongest rival Erica has had.

More importantly, Skye and Jack would make a gorgeous couple. Add Skye’s daughter, Lila Rae, to the mix and they would be downright adorable.

“You can’t beat your dad. You don’t have it in you.”

“Success takes qualities you don’t have.”

I could not have said it better myself. Zach definitely has experience in breaking away from one’s father and creating your own success. True, faking his death was a bit extreme but Zach went on from there to create his own life. Zach did not spend his adulthood living off his father’s money. Zach did not claim the Cambias power as his own. Zach’s actions required courage. Faking your own kidnapping, having your father committed and then leaking the commitment story to the press are the actions of a coward. Of course, with Tad as his stepfather, how could JR have turned out any other way?

“Look, um -- I'm not going to use this against you, ok? I'm not. We can settle everything fairly. And, you know, we'll both tell Emma together. And we'll do it in a way that she can understand. And we'll make sure, most importantly, that she knows that we love her no matter what, all right?”

Never before have I seen a soap character so happy to find out his wife is an adulteress. I could almost hear Ryan saying to himself, “Thank god I can leave my wife and still come out the good guy. Note to self: send Annie’s lover a box of clown noses to thank him for getting me out of this mess.”

It’s disappointing to see that post-amnesia Ryan is the same as pre-amnesia Ryan. Once he decides he wants someone else, his current love becomes an annoyance. If she does not immediately behave exactly the way he wants, she is upgraded to an evil annoyance (see: Hart, Kendall).

Speaking of Ryan’s sperm, and oh how I hate that we have to talk about it again, wasn’t it a bit odd how everyone was obsessed with his sperm count? His minions were following him around as if he were the Pied Piper of ~~Jizz~~ Pine Valley . It was deeply disturbing.

What else. What else.

“I’ve never wanted any man but you.” Oh, Annie that is sad on so many levels.

“It sucks that I’ve inherited more of my Mom’s blood than my dad’s.” Ahh, yes, Colby, your mom Saint Liza. The Saint who falsely accused Jesse of rape, who told Jenny the horrifying truth about her father, who endangered your inheritance, not to mention the employees’ pension fund, by embezzling money from CE, and the saint who kept you away from your father for 11 years. Maybe it is time Colby learned a little something about her mom. She doesn’t need to know everything, just enough to put her mother in perspective.

Why is Jesse asking Tad for help solving a case? Has Jesse forgotten how long it took Tad to find Hazel? Yep, it took Thaddeus two years to track her down, even though she had not changed her name, she was living in Pine Valley, and owned a bar. I am beginning to doubt Jesse’s qualifications to be Police Chief.

“Just think Kathy Bates in Misery.” A nice nod to AMC history. Hard to believe it has been 24 years since Ms. Bates played Belle Bodelle, isn’t it?

“I hated JR back then, too, but I kept him out of prison by committing perjury anyway.” Well, that is what I heard Babe say. In my head.

“Family first. That’s my motto. Depending, of course, whom I consider family on any given day.” Well, that’s what I heard Tad say. In my head.

Angie gagging at the mere mention of Liza’s name was gold. Pure gold.

I know Chip Zien is busy, but oh, how I wish it had been Donald Steele trying to get the goods on Erica and Samuel.

“Classic Erica Kane.” Frankly, this concerns me. I am afraid we will be seeing more of “I still am the cutest trick in town” Erica.

“He died of a broken heart in an Erica Kane impersonator's bed. I found e-mails to his beloved Erica after he died” My question: was the impersonator dressed up as Desiree Dubois or Fifi, the French maid? Either one works for me.

Will this week’s spoilers make us want to go all Misery on AMC or not? Let’s see:

Wearing a blinding amount of lip-gloss isn’t Annie’s only problem.

Ryan calls Annie out about collecting damaging evidence against Colby.

I am confused. We know Annie killed Richie-Ryan doesn’t. Based on the information at hand, why wouldn’t Ryan be relieved that there is now evidence to clear Zach? Or, is Ryan trying to find something, anything, to justify leaving Annie? Why do I think if Greenlee had been the one to tape the confession, Ryan would be showering her with clown noses?

Ryan tells Annie that it is growing increasingly difficult to believe anything she says.

Now that he realizes he doesn’t love Annie, Ryan’s attitude towards her has turned a bit frigid. Any day now, he will be calling her a soulless cancer.

Ryan decides not to tell Greenlee about loving her. And he will always love her, up until the day he decides that she, too, is a soulless cancer.

How long before everyone, save Annie and Greenlee, learn Ryan doesn’t love his wife but loves his ex-wife instead? How many times we will hear people lauding Ryan for his self-sacrifice? I have a horrible vision that on their wedding day, Aidan will stop the ceremony. Why? To tell Greenlee that Ryan loves her. Sure, you laugh now…

Aidan questions Annie about the non-vasectomy. Her answers make him suspicious.

“No, I never saw a letter telling Ryan that the surgery wasn’t performed. Maybe Zach or Colby stole it. Why are you wasting your time questioning me? Shouldn’t you be asking the doctor what the hell he was doing down there if he wasn’t performing a vasectomy?” Why didn’t Ryan get suspicious when there was no pain, swelling or bruising after the procedure? Of course, if he did have those symptoms, I really want to know what the doctor was doing down there.

Kendall tells Ryan that Annie is not the person she used to be.

Considering Ryan now has all his memories back, wouldn’t he already know that? Maybe the writers have amnesia about ending Ryan’s amnesia.

Meanwhile, over at Casa Chandler:

Krystal finds herself in uncharted waters when she tries to help an upset Colby.

“Colby, please, just give me a minute, OK? I’m trying to figure out how sex can get you out of this mess.”

Krystal believes Colby should tell Jesse what happened the night Richie died.

“Well, Colby, if don’t like that idea, then you think of a way sex can get you out of this-‘cause I’m fresh out of ideas.”

Krsytal tells Adam that Colby needs his help.

“She needs her father, Adam. Don’t make her turn to Tad. Colby needs adult help and lord knows she won’t get that from Tad. Racing toy boats and eating cookies is not what she needs right now.”

Colby cannot get through the day without drinking. A lot.

You know what Colby needs? A visit from older sister Skye. After one of her many departures from PV, Skye became a substance abuse counselor. (Note: to me Skye will always and forever be a Chandler.)

Stuart believes Adam’s motivation for helping Colby is to control her.

I realize it is not nice to want to slap Stuart but I want to anyway. A slap that would make Isabella Santos proud.

Other stuff happens, too.

Jake gives Frankie advice about his relationship with Randi.

“Let her know you are a cool cat by leaving an extra sawbuck on the dresser.”

Erica and Samuel have a date in very public place-BJs!

Oh, what Donald Steele could do with this story. “Diva doing BJs with Senatorial Candidate- Exclusive Pics Inside!”

JR is surprised when Adam attends a board meeting.

Adam has some nerve, doesn’t he? From his behavior, you would think he was the one who spent his blood, sweat, and tears building CE from the ground up. Oh, wait…

JR believes he can wrest CE away from Adam.

And people think Annie is nuts.

Here’s to another week in the Valley!