Where have I been the past two weeks? At home watching AMC. To be more specific, at home watching AMC with my husband. His job keeps him away from home, in places such as Hong Kong and Dubai, for about 80% of the time.  He was able to make a brief trip home and as much as I love writing this column, I love spending time with him more. Watching AMC together is fun. It is always interesting to see things from his perspective. He also does a mean Billy Clyde Tuggle impression. What more could a woman want?

In addition, taking a short EOS break gave me the chance to go with the flow while watching AMC. No hitting pause to write down an idea. No checking the transcript to make sure a quotation was correct. I just floated along wherever the writers wanted to take me. It was almost a Zen-like experience expect, you know, for the commercials.

And what do I realize after two weeks of going with the flow AMC viewing? It would be easier to watch if I had zero knowledge about the show’s history. And by history, I do not just mean what happened 38 years ago or 10 years ago or 3 years ago, I also mean zero knowledge about what happened last month, last week or even yesterday.

If I had no memory of what happened a few weeks ago, Tad’s reaction to seeing Adam “EVIL” Chandler at Jenny’s birthday party would have seemed reasonable. However, I do remember Tad moving his family into Casa Chandler before asking Adam’s permission. I also recall Adam giving Krystal and Jenny safe harbor in his home. And wasn’t Colby’s life in danger because Tad refused to tell the Adam exactly why Krystal and Jenny had to be stashed in his house? Adam put aside his history with Tad in order to keep a mother and child safe. Why couldn’t Tad put aside their history for one lousy afternoon instead of behaving like a petulant four year old who fears someone is going to steal an extra piece of birthday cake? Oh wait, it is because Tad often acts like a petulant four year old. (Although he is somewhat right about Adam stealing what’s his since Adam reuniting with Krystal is inevitable.)

I do not have to think back all that far to remember Greenlee charging Ryan with bigamy, trying to sue for custody of Spike, or kidnapping Spike. Yet, I must be delusional because everyone in Pine Valley has forgotten all these annoying little facts. This week Greenlee treated Annie like a spoilsport for remembering that Greens destroyed her wedding. She actually admonished Annie to “get over it.” That would seem reasonable to me if I did not remember the PVPD hauling Ryan off to jail before the reception even started.

I do not have the time, energy, or column space to recount JR and Babe’s entire history here, except to recall that Babe (falsely) told JR his son was dead and the daughter he loved was not really his daughter IN A NOTE. Yet, if I did not have Babe’s history seared into my brain, the notion of Babe being a saint for even letting JR share her airspace (and I do not mean just the airspace between her ears) would make perfect sense. After all, it makes perfect sense to the writers, doesn’t it?

Just about four years ago, Tad was one of the crew perpetuating the Mirabess lie. He willingly agreed to let his “beloved son” spend the rest of his life believing his infant son had perished in the cold dark Hooskenny. It wasn’t that long ago that Tad buried Greg Madden alive in a box.  And less than one year ago, Tad threatened to keep Krystal away from Jenny if she did not agree to sever all ties with Adam. Yet Krystal tells everyone what a “great guy” Tad is. If I had no memory I might just think that, too.

Finally, one small irritating history nugget. When the garage band first appeared in town, it had three members. Corrina has been reduced to babysitter and Fusion flunky. Dre has been busy, well actually we do not know exactly what Dre has been up to except  for showing up at parties so that Colby can ignore him. Here is my question, where is the “other guy”? Did he and Jonathan fall in love and run off to Europe together? Is he off touring with a new band he formed with Sean? Or did a fight with Dre and Corrina over royalties result in a fatal fight?  Is the “other guy” buried in the Chandler tunnels? The writers have forgotten the “ other guy” why, oh, why can’t I?

Speaking of memories, Ryan’s recent efforts to regain his are actually sort of somewhat touching. Sending Greenlee home, seeing a therapist, being a father to Emma and trying to form a romantic relationship with Annie are all good things. Ryan is taking responsibility and, gasp, behaving like an adult. Cameron Mathison is doing a good job of being in the moment, instead of shouting his way through the moment. Ryan’s reasonable behavior won’t last, of course, but it is nice not to be constantly irritated by his actions. “Constantly” being the key word in that sentence.

Speaking of irritating, let’s talk about those BFF’s Kendall and Greenlee. After all, that is almost all they talk about, the wonderfulness of them. I don’t recall any female soap characters who have regressed to childhood as quickly or as completely as these two. They even “pinky swear” which is really rather nauseating. It was appropriate then that they were interviewed for a grade school newspaper. Yes, the script stated they were high school students, but come on, only sniffing Fusion nail polish remover (“I Am So Over This Color”) could make me believe that. I was disappointed that the girls were sent back to school without samples of Fusion’s “BFF” lipgloss and nail polish. Once the five-minute stand is revealed, I suspect there will be some new colors at F usion. Greenlee will create a scarlett lip/nail combo called “Adultering Whore.” Kendall will counter with “Smug Jealous Bitch” in snake green. (OK, in all likelihood Kendall’s creation will be “I Hope My BFF Can Forgive Me” in soft lavender, but a girl can dream can’t she?)

Thank goodness, AMC has some things going on to offset the ridiculousness that is Kendall/Greenlee.

Angie and Jesse , for example. Three minutes into the birthday party scene, my husband asked if their appearance was a ratings stunt or did the actors sign a real contract? He was pleased to learn they were sticking around and he had never seen Angie and Jesse before. (Full disclosure: he has been a Debi Morgan fan ever since seeing Eve’s Bayou.) I have to agree. Their story makes little sense, but their acting and chemistry more than makes up for that. Frankie is the perfect addition making their family scenes my favorite.

Zach and Kendall’s fight is another example. How wonderful was it to see adults behaving like adults? Pretty damn wonderful. They kept the fight focused on the issue at hand. Kendall did not bring up the blackout. Zach did not bring up Kendall’s sneaking off to see Ryan. I have no idea who wrote this scene but it was good.  The rest of the Slater scenes? Not so much. Instead of focusing her attention on keeping her family intact, Kendall became obsessed with worrying about Greenlee’s reaction. To paraphrase Erica, “Kendall, suck it up.” Greenlee’s reaction will be what it will be.

The  Zach/Aidan scenes were also enjoyable. Poor Spotted Dick. Outclassed and outmaneuvered at every turn. The best part? He didn’t even realize it. I cannot really blame Aidan for being slow on the uptake. After all, he has been working with Tad for years.

And last, but never least, we have the Chandlers. More often than not, discussions about soap chemistry focus on romantic relationships. While romantic chemistry is important, so is family chemistry. The Chandlers have an abundance of family chemistry. Adam and Colby’s relationship is wonderful and realistic. They both adore and frustrate each other. Adam cannot comprehend why Colby would turn down Wellesley and Colby cannot comprehend why Adam does many of the things he does. Colby and JR have good sibling chemistry. Colby behaves older than her age and JR behaves much younger than his. They meet somewhere in the middle and are fun to watch. JR and Adam do not have the traditional father/son chemistry but that makes their relationship all the more interesting. I look forward to the day JR realizes that Adam, not Tad, is his true father. (Yes, I a m delusional.) All the Chandlers need now is for Robin Christopher to return as Skye.

What else. What else.

“And my father will give me away of course.” I am just hoping this goes better for Jack than it did for Greenlee’s other father, Roger. Still, having one’s father shot and killed at the reception would make for an interesting wedding video.

“Fold a thousand cranes and your wish will come true.” I am hoping Jesse’s coffin is filled with a thousand origami cranes. Perhaps then my wish of this storyline ending so that Angie and Jesse can move on will come true.

JR: “Or is that just an excuse because you don’t want me around our son?”

Babe: “Well, could blame me?

Raise your hand if you could blame Babe. Thought so.

“Adam Chandler is not a shark. He eats sharks for breakfast.” Adam’s little shark chewing noises were wonderful. What a great father/daughter scene.

Wearing heels with her prison jumpsuit was so perfectly Erica. (I confess that my husband noticed that before I did.)

“I don’t want to be my father-that is my nightmare.” Regrettably, JR was referring to Adam, not Tad.

“Are we going to take bets on which one of us is going to screw up first?” My money is on JR. Unfortunately, the writers’ money is probably on Adam.

“And since when do you come into my office uninvited?” C’mon. Zach, that is no way to talk to your manny. And since Josh has obviously taken over Lily’s duties, that’s no way to talk to your assistant, either.

All things considered, shouldn’t we be seeing more of Julia and Kathy, not less?

“Tad deserves nothing but good dreams from now on.”  Since she doesn’t know Tad’s recent history, I’m giving Angie a pass on that. However, as one who does know his recent history, Tad deserves nightmares featuring Ray Gardner chiding him about being a Gardner after all.

“Loving Adam is like playing with fire.” Burn me, baby, burn me.

Wouldn’t it be fun if the evil but sexy David Hayward was working alongside Angie and Frankie at PVH?  Angie and David’s disagreements would be something to behold. Just saying.

I was puzzled by Tad’s refusal to help Jesse dig up his grave, given his experience with burying, unburying, and reburying coffins.

“Zach will change his plans if I ask him to.” As far as I am concerned, the five minute stand reveal cannot come soon enough.

“God knows I’ve lived through a lot worse than life without Ryan.”  I think this realization is why Annie is able to modify her behavior towards Ryan. She will be sad, but not destroyed, if Ryan doesn’t remember loving her.

“I’d see you by the side of the road. I’d sleep in your coat.” Kendall’s talking about her agony during Zach’s disappearance would have been a lot more believable if it hadn’t been interrupted by a commercial for Charm. That was not the time for ABC to remind us that Kendall wrote a best seller during Zach’s disappearance.

“We have paid our debts to the Universe.” I do not know about that, Greenlee. I am fairly certain your account with the Universe still shows a rather large balance due.

“We (Aidan and Kendall) were like two wounded animals.” (insert your own doggystyle joke here)

“All I want is a sane, rational, normal life.” That’s not going to happen in Pine Valley, Angie. No way, no how.

My husband asked why Opal was being more than civil to Ray Gardner. I had no answer except that it will all come to no good in the end. And I mean no good both for the viewers and Opal.

Ruth seeing Rob Gardner for the first time was extremely moving. Lee Meriwether  knocked it out of the park. This begs the question, why isn’t she on more often?

“That’s the curse of the Chandler men.” Well, then curse me, baby, curse me.

Will this week’s spoilers give us good dreams or nightmares? Let’s see:

There’s a hot time in the old woods tonight.

Kendall and Zach return to the cabin of cheating and shame. In an effort to let go of the past, they burn the cabin down. They toast marshmallows over the flames and make s’mores.

Does Zach own the cabin? No. Does Kendall own the cabin? No. In other words, the Slaters decide to get past Kendall’s mistake by committing arson together. Some people would opt for marriage counseling but not those wacky Slaters.

Zach insists he has forgiven Kendall but she doesn’t believe him. She goads him into expressing his anger. Zach unleashes his anger and it’s more than Kendall wants to hear. She storms out of the house.

In other words, Kendall is angry at Zach for sharing his emotions with her, even though that’s exactly what she wanted him to do. Is marriage to a Kane woman fun or what?

Greenlee senses something is troubling her other BFF, Zach. Zach confides that he and Kendall are having some  problems.

The Slaters may be having some problems but not nearly as many as I am having with Zach confiding anything to Greenlee,

Finally, Zach is able to forgive Kendall but he is not able to forgive Aidan.

Spotted Dick should start running for cover about now.

Meanwhile over at Trey’s Jack’s Josh’s  Angie and Jesse’s place.

Angie is concerned what will happen when Jesse’s coffin is opened.

Well, for one thing, I am betting we will hear “TWENTY YEARS” more than once during that scene.

The coffin opens and “SURPRISE!” it contains a toy elephant.

I suspect this is not what Uncle Rob thought Jesse knew or didn’t know about whatever it was that Uncle Rob wanted to know.

Angie recalls that her daughter Cassandra once had a toy elephant. This story upsets Uncle Rob.

Could it be that Cassandra’s elephant has a diamond up its trunk?

Annie and Ryan take a few more steps towards reuniting their family.

Ryan moves back into the penthouse. He decides that, for now, sleeping in the guest room would be best. Sleeping in the guest room reminds him that when he first married Greenlee, they slept in separate bedrooms, too.  He then recalls how amazing it was when he and Greenlee first had sex. It was after that night together that he realized he wanted to be with Greenlee forever and ever. Ryan runs downstairs and shares his new memory with Annie. Annie shoots him.

Well, it could happen that way.

Annie decides to move things along by pretending that someone tried to break into the penthouse.

This makes me a bit sad. The one thing separating Annie from most of the other women in PV was her reluctance to resort to manipulation. Oh well, I guess the only way to survive in a serpent’s den is to become a serpent yourself.

Meanwhile up the river at the Big House:

Erica agrees to help all her fellow inmates get a New Beginning. She enlists Samuel and Jack’s help. Erica wants the prison to offer education and job training programs.

Erica also wants the prison to start sending its laundry out but her men convince her that is not likely to happen.

Erica’s actions irk the warden. The warden retaliates by throwing Erica in solitary confinement.

Erica is going to have a difficult time in there. After all, in solitary the only one around who can worship her is, well, herself.

Oh, those AMC actors.

Ambyr Childers has been fired. Starting May 7, Brianne Moncrief will be the new Colby Chandler.

This comes a real surprise. When she first came on the show, Brian Frons touted Ms. Childers as AMC’s next super star.  At the time, her acting skills did not support that notion. Now that she has improved to the point of having real chemistry with several characters, she has been fired. I suspect the reason is to make Colby appear old enough to date Frankie.  Why not have Amanda date Frankie? Why not have Josh and Frankie fight over Amanda? Why not have Dre and a SORAS’d Petey Cortlandt fight over Colby? Just imagine Adam’s and Palmer’s reactions to that potential pairing. Sigh.