“I’m digging up bones. I’m digging up bones. I’m exhuming things that are better left alone.”

                                        Randy Travis

 

I searched and searched and then searched some more but could not find lyrics talking about digging up stuffed elephants. 

Everyone was disappointed about the coffin containing no real answers. I was disappointed, not because of that, but because Greg Madden’s ghost did not rise up from the coffin taunting Tad about Kate. In my fantasy, Ray was standing just behind the coffin repeating, “you’re a Gardner, boy, through and through.”

But I digress.

We have had faux Silver Kane . We have had faux Natalie. We have had faux Dixie . It should come as no surprise that we now have a faux elephant.

Who knew Angie could be so duplicitous? She switched elephants and kept it a secret for TWENTY  YEARS. As Angie was talking, I realized the elephant had a more fully developed back story than most new Pine Valley residents get.

The elephant’s story does leave us with some unanswered questions. For example, how did the diamond in the belly of the real stuffed beast remain undetected for TWENTY YEARS ?   After all, according to Uncle Rob, this diamond is even larger than the one Remy gave his mother. And that diamond appeared to weigh almost as Mrs. Remington did. How did it get through airport security undetected? Why didn’t anyone ask Cassandra, “Miss, why does your elephant appear to have a rather large diamond stuffed up its tush?”

It’s fairly certain that the diamond was tush-shoved during the elephant’s time in police custody. Who, then, did the shoving? Was it the urbane Samuel Woods or our own Derek Frye? Sure, neither of them was around PV at the time, but, as we know, logic is often in short supply in the Valley. Derek being guilty would leave the door open for Jesse to replace him as Police Chief. Sam being guilty would give Erica the chance to “sweetly” wish him a pleasant journey up the river.

Or maybe it was Tony, the under-five player who was in charge of the exhumation.

Oh wait. I know who did it. It was Adam. It had to be Adam. Since everything else is blamed on him, it makes perfect sense to blame this on Adam, too. You may not have heard, but Adam is EVIL.

At least now, Alphonso is not the only oddly placed stuffed animal in Pine Valley. Maybe he and the faux elephant can become BFFs .

Some graveside things made sense. Others, not so much. Jesse’s nervousness coupled with his desire to get some answers made sense. Angie’s emotions made some sense, but having to be repeatedly reminded that Jesse was not in the coffin seemed a bit odd. Frankie’s emotions, an understandable mix of adult sensibility coupled with a child’s sense of loss, were moving.

It is too bad those moving scenes were played against the lunacy of Uncle Rob hiding in the bushes. It was not surprising that his presence went unnoticed; after all, the PVPD has a long history of not seeing what is right in front of them. What did make little sense was Uncle Rob brandishing a gun. Did he really think he would be able to shoot at least five people in order to grab whatever was in the coffin? Oh, Uncle Rob, I expected more from a retired FBI agent.

The faux elephant was not the only cemetery surprise. Tad surprised the hell out of me when he told Dixie he had been searching for Kate. “I’ve tried. God knows, I’ve tried, Dixie. Every single day. Something new. Making calls. Chasing down fresh leads.”  Have the writers forgotten the scene where Tad told Joe about giving up the search for Kate ? Tad said he had run out of leads, that there was nothing else he could do. Tad  told his father they would now have to wait for a miracle. As it stands, this story has me thinking Tad should be re-reading “Private Dicking for Dummies.” If ever a story needed be told with heartwrenching emotion, it is the reuniting of Kate with her bi rth parents. I wrote about this back when we first realized Kathy was Kate. What story could be more filled with conflicting emotions?  Tad and Dixie’s desire to claim Kate as their own while not wanting to disrupt their daughter’s life even more than it had already been. Julia torn between her love for Kate and trying to figure out what was best for her daughter. Olivia and Jack on opposite sides in court, realizing that no matter how it turned out, someone would be devastated.  This would have been a wonderful story. Unfortunately, Dixie suffered an ignominious death. Julia and Kathy’s relationship is seldom seen. And Tad is an idiot. I feel cheated and I am not even a Tad and Dixie fan.

The Chandler family scenes were not disappointing, they were pure bliss. They harkened back to the days when core families were, well, were treated like core families. JR brought tears to my eyes when talking about all his father had accomplished.  Adam not wanting to ask for JR’s help but realizing that is exactly what he needed to do was perfectly played. In fact, every one of those scenes was perfectly played. JR and Colby yelling at each other (“Why don’t you steal some cars?” “Well, why don’t you go plan another fake kidnapping?”) was wonderful. I reveled in the Chandler family chemistry. These scenes made the decision to recast Colby even more inexplicable.  (I believe in giving every recast a chance but the deci sion still makes me sad.)

What else. What else.

“Mr. Jackson Mont-yummy.” What can I say, when Carmen’s right, she’s right.

“My dad wants me to go away.” Frankie’s  reaction to Colby was spot on. I hope the Frankie/Colby friendship dynamic does not disappear in the rush to make them the next hot thing in PV.

“When, Zach? When will we feel right again?” Well, Kendall, about the time you stop whining about things not being right.

“I bought a key lime pie at the Serving Spoon.”  A brief pause while we remember the long gone but not forgotten Anne and Daisy.

“There is a special place in Hell for me.” Who would have thought Greenlee could be so self-aware?

“I don’t spend time thinking about that man (Adam).” I think Tad doth protest too much, how about you?

“Because I’m more fun than a clown on fire.” Stop self-aggrandizing Greenlee, nothing is more fun than a clown on fire.

“This is America. Freedom for Erica.” Ridiculous? Yes, but it suited the imprisoned diva storyline. As did B5’s performance. Hey, it was far less irritating than Celine Dion’s uncomfortably awkward turn on New Beginnings.

“I’m here. I’m all yours.” It was refreshing to hear JR say that to his father instead of to Babe.

“I may have to call Di for backup on this one.” Please do, Julia. In fact, demand that Di do the backing up in person, just as long as she has a scene with JR.  It would be refreshing to see JR have real chemistry with someone instead of forced chemistry with Babe.

Why are the Slaters able to walk away scotfree from arson charges, while Trey is apparently serving a life sentence for the same crime?

Anyone else surprised that we were not inundated with commercials announcing, “Be sure to tune in next week, when the REAL stuffed elephant returns to Pine Valley”?

“Even a new haircut does not a mogul make.” Given his way with words, why hasn’t Adam written a bestselling business book? It certainly would make more sense than Charm. There could even be a Fusion tie-in, a new fragrance called “Mogul Madness.”

Is Richie still in town or has he gone on tour with Sean and the “other guy’s” new band?

“Because I’m the best expert on me.” Yes, Adam, you are, although I do harbor illusions about being an Adam expert, too.

“You’re used to this, huh?” Maybe Jack should write a bestseller about loving a diva. The Fusion tie-in? A new male fragrance called “Whipped.”

“I think all this is crap.” For a moment, I thought Ryan was commenting on the amnesia storyline but alas, he was talking about therapy.

This week’s most puzzling question: why did the Hubbards renovate their kitchen so it has even less cabinet and counter space than before?

“This is the man whose grave we are digging up.” I love that this line makes perfect sense in Pine Valley.

“I want him(Adam) around for a long time.” Colby, so do I. Let’s just hope TPTB feel the same way. Love him or hate him, Adam is an integral part of AMC.

“After what she did to your family- you can lie to her.” I love Erica for being the one person in Pine Valley who remembers exactly what Greenlee did.

Will this week’s spoilers be more fun than a clown on fire or not? Let’s see:

What a tangled web she weaves when Annie practices to deceive.

Ryan believes Annie’s story about the break-in. Annie leads Ryan to think that Richie was behind the crime. Ryan does not remember having a brother-in-law but nonetheless he warns Richie to stay away from his wife and daughter.

“You had ..what a minute, what was your name again? Oh, OK, thanks. Richie, you better damn well stay away from Emma and, damn, what is wife’s name? OK, thanks again. Richie , I am telling you now. Right now to stay away from Emma and Annie. Just because I don’t really remember who they are doesn’t mean I cannot threaten  you.”

No stranger to cons himself, Richie realizes that Annie lied to Ryan.

Richie is really going to have fun with this one. Annie? Not so much.

The Fusion girls watch a video of their pole dancing adventures.

Granted, my memory is not what it once was, but I have absolutely no memory of anyone videotaping anything.

Kendall and Greenlee decide it would damage Fusion’s image if anyone else saw the tape.

How could that video harm Fusion more than having two kidnappers on the payroll?

Annie decides to “accidently” cause the tape to have a public viewing.

OMG, wasn’t watching the pole dancing live enough? Why does AMC feel the need to punish us again?

Annie hopes that Ryan will rescue her when her “mistake” is discovered.

Oh, Annie, do you honestly expect Ryan to take your side over Kendall’s and Greenlee’s side? I sure don’t.

AMC’s homage to “Topper” begins.

Adam hears “You Are My Sunshine “playing throughout Casa Chandler.

And people think Adam is never punished for his wrongdoings.

Adam is surprised to find a picture of Dixie in his house. Tad is surprised to find that his picture of Dixie is missing.

Oh, ghostDixie is a little minx, isn’t she?

Adam tells the kids about hearing the song and finding the picture. Colby and JR start to worry that Adam is losing his mind.

Even with a partial brain, Adam is smarter than most people in PV. It’s sweet that the kids are concerned. I hope Adam’s problems give Skye a reason to come home.

Adam sees Dixie in the mirror.

This story begs for Janet’s return. While Adam is looking in the mirror chatting with Dixie, Janet can stand next to him chatting away with Bad Janet.

Yes. The rumors are true. The REAL elephant returns to Pine Valley this week.

Cassandra arrives in Pine Valley to see her mother and her brother. She also gets to meet Jesse.

“So you’re Jesse. Nice to meet you. Have we met before? You remind me of someone, but I can’t remember who. Oh well, I’m sure it will come to me eventually.”

Angie explains to her daughter that while she did love Jacob, Jesse has always been the love of her life.

Is this supposed to make Cassandra feel better?

Frankie takes Cassandra out on the town. They meet up with Colby and Dre. It’s instant attraction between Cassandra and Dre. It’s also instant attraction between Cassandra and Colby but more in a BFF kind of way.

And Frankie stands alone. Don’t worry Frankie, that will all change when recast Colby hits town.

Cassandra has a heart –to- heart with her stuffed elephant.

What’s up with seemingly intelligent adult women talking with stuffed animals? I don’t know about you but it’s giving me the creeps.

Erica discovers life at the big house isn’t all adoration and accolades.

Erica finds life in solitary increasingly difficult. She starts talking to Mona.

Any reference to Mona is a quicktears moment for me. Erica is not the only one who misses her.

Jack’s efforts to get Erica released from her solitary life fail.

The warden knows a whipped man when she sees one.

Samuel succeeds in getting Erica out of solitary confinement.

Strut your stuff now, Samuel, because once you fall in love with Erica, it’ll all be over.

Zach’s anger about the five-minute stand is over, or is it?

Zach tells Aidan he is being sent to Darfur on a mission for Cambias Industries.

This begs the question, was Aidan able to bring his operatives to Cambias with him or are they now collecting unemployment?

Tad tells Aidan that revenge may be Zach’s prime reason for sending Spotted Dick to Darfur .Aidan thinks Tad is wrong.

Our dear Spotted Dick has always been a few currants short of a full pudding, hasn’t he? (In reality, Aidan does not quibble with Tad about Zach’s motivation.)

Aidan declines the assignment, He changes his mind after Zach tells him that the assignment is to find Jake Martin.

“And after you find Jake, please feel free to get shot and die.”

Turns out that there is a secret about Jake.

What secret? We’ve all known for weeks that Ricky Paul Goldin is taking over the role.