AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the Week of May 26, 2008

A beautiful bride. A heroic groom. A dance floor filled with old loves, new loves and undecided loves. A bittersweet reunion with an old friend. Smiles seemingly without end. Sex. An eviscerated stuffed elephant. A crazed ex-FBI agent taking the bride hostage. A surprise musical guest.

Now, this is the stuff good soaps are made of.

I watched the Hubbard nuptials twice and cried, full on cried, both times. Fairytale weddings have their place but a romantic wedding grounded by realistic grown-up love is more satisfying. Everything about the wedding was perfect. AMC obviously spared no expense, from the lush floral displays lowered from the ceiling to enough extras to fill the dance floor, to give Angie and Jesse wedding a worthy of their love story. These touches were the perfect backdrop for a ceremony that was joyous, serious, and funny.

Then there was Ne-Yo. Far too often soaps treat a musical guest as the main event, no matter the occasion. I was concerned AMC would do the same thing .It was a relief having Ne-Yo as just one part of the wedding, instead of turning it into a mini- concert.

Another relief was that the violence took place well after the ceremony ended. At least Angie had her first dance with Jesse before being dragged to the roof at gunpoint. In addition, Jesse and Cassandra had their heartfelt stepfather/stepdaughter chat before Jesse leapt off the roof to rescue his new bride. (Now we know what Jesse was doing during past twenty years—working out.)

On the bright side, Angie and Jesse will have an interesting wedding story to tell. (I’m envious. Our wedding story includes a drunken minister and SWAT breaking up a drug deal, but it pales in comparison to Angie and Jesse’s.)

“You can still do the right thing, but time is running out for everyone.”

Dixie’s ghost attended the wedding, too, but I was unmoved by her presence. My disconnect with her story has nothing at all to do with the actors, but with the story itself. Even overlooking the inconsistencies in “Dixie’s” powers (She can hold a door shut, she can order up some cookies for JR, she can knock over a chair, she can change her heavenly designer outfits on a whim, but she cannot stop Robert from leaving with Angie? At the very least couldn’t she have pelted him with the cookies?) the basic premise lacks logic. Dixie wants Adam to tell Tad about Kathy. Fair enough (not really, but that plot device left the writers’ room months ago). Time and time again, she has told Adam that he is the only one who can stop a horrible chain of events from happenin g. That he, and only he, can save many people, especially those he loves, from “paying a terrible price”.

Based on last week’s episodes, it’s Robert’s diamond obsession that sets off the chain. What effect could the Kate reveal possibly have on Robert’s actions? Why would Robert care? (“What was that? Did you say Tad knows that Kathy is Kate? Well, then here’s my gun, the diamond and Angie. As for shooting Julia and Greg? Well, I can hardly be held accountable for that, now can I? If Adam had only told the truth earlier, I wouldn’t have shot them. Why am I being handcuffed, when Adam is the EVIL one who caused all this deadly mayhem?”)

One more thing. Dixie was oh so amused seeing Adam locked up in Oakhaven. Would she have been quite so amused if the doctors had drugged Adam to the point of unconsciousness? Dead or alive, Dixie has never been very good at thinking things through, has she?

Perhaps the Dixie/Kate scenes would have touched me if I had not been pre-occupied with counting how many times Kathy said, “Aunt Julia.” Point taken. Dixie is Kate’s real mother while Julia has been nothing but a sorry, aunt-ly substitute. The characters might as well have been wearing nametags reading, “Kate’s REAL mother” and “NOT Kate’s real mother”.

Speaking of Julia, did her behavior strike anyone else as a bit strange? At first she was acting high and not just champagne high, either. Later on she was in what appeared to be a Xanax and champagne induced stupor. What other explanation can there be for Julia, who has proven herself to be a woman of action during a crisis, being completely oblivious when a gun waving Uncle Rob entered the room with Angie in tow? An odd scene.

Speaking of oblivious, what part of “there’s a crazy man shooting up the place, your father is searching everywhere for your sister in order to keep her safe” didn’t JR get? I guess for him, when given the choice between saving his family and doing Babe, the answer was clear. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to slap JR all the way to the Pennsylvania Ocean.

Oddly enough, I began the week not wanting to slap Tad. While visiting Adam at Oakhaven, Tad’s behavior was shockingly adult. One could even go so far as to say Tad was compassionate. Then came the wedding reception.

“Do you know -- do you remember, oh, several weeks ago, when you brought your entire family over and dumped them in my living room because you said they needed help? They were, uh -- they were afraid they were in danger? Do you remember that? Hmm? Well, um, now my family's in danger … we're going to go over to Uncle Stuart's house and get locked up, and we're going -- we're going to be safe and sound. If you try to stop me in any way, I'm going to break you like a stick.”

All Adam wanted to do was keep Colby and JR safe. A simple request really. It wasn’t Adam’s actions that disrupted the reception, it was Tad’s predictably adolescent behavior. Sigh. Suddenly all my urges to smack Tad returned.

Yet, given the choice between watching Tad be, well, be Tad, and watching the cool kids’ meltdown, I’d choose watching Tad any day.

“I will support you, and I will hug you and comfort you, but now -- I'm -- all right, now I'm done. I finished Junior High years ago and I don’t feel like going back.”

OK, so that is not exactly what Zach said. It is what I wish he had said.

Kendall has two children. Greenlee has been widowed one and a half times. Why do they act as if they are 7 years old?

Tumultuous relationships between two women is a soap staple. OLTL has Viki and Dorian. AMC had Erica and Brooke. I know Viki and Dorian. I knew Brooke and Erica. Kendall and Greenlee don’t even come close to those wonderful, interesting pairings.

Is there anyone left who thinks Kendall and Greenlee actually have a friendship, let alone one that needs saving?

Is there anyone who did not want to scream, “shut the hell up” while Kendall was going on and on and on about her infidelity devastating Greenlee, in front of her cuckolded husband?

Is there anyone who did not want to scream “get your damned hands off Zach” to Greenlee?

I can cut Greenlee some slack for feeling betrayed. True, since her return Greenlee has done far worse to Kendall, but she is allowed to be angry. Until next Tuesday.

However, Zach is Kendall’s husband. Zach has also been hurt. Zach’s job is not to make Greenlee feel better. Unfortunately, Zach seems to think soothing Greenlee’s hurt feelings is his job.

I had a point here, what was it? Oh, yes. It was a wonderful wedding. It reminiscent of the AMC I have loved for decades. It felt like AgnesNixon’s AMC. I was happy. My only wish? That the five-minute stand reveal had been put on hold until this week. The reveal was a very irritating wedding crasher.

What else. What else.

“Hell, I’m starting to feel like there are 3 people in this marriage.” Tad’s math skills are less than impressive. There are at least 4 people in his marriage: Tad, Krystal, Adam and Dixie. At least Krystal doesn’t carry Adam’s headshot in her wallet. Although who could blame her if she did.

“If I wanted you dead you wouldn’t be here right now.” Hmm, would I rather watch Zach kill Aidan or Adam break Tad like a stick? Lucky Aidan. He gets to live for at least another week.

“The biggest uncut diamond in the world.” I felt sorry for Mr. Trunks. Having that jewel stuffed up his trunk must have hurt like hell. The Maltese Elephant deserved better than evisceration.

“The Steam Pit” The “Pit” was lot more interesting than Confusion. Then again, the passenger waiting room at the Pine Valley International Airport is more interesting than Confusion.

“Have I told you how much I always enjoy marrying you Mr. Hubbard?” This is where I had to pull out a second box of tissues.

I’m sitting here wondering why Dixie is dressing better in Purgatory than she did when she was alive. I’m getting a headache.

The trip to Jenny’s grave had me in tears. Greg holding baby Jenny had me in tears. The fact that I am aging while Laurence Lau looks younger than he did five years ago on OLTL had me sobbing hysterically.

“Skye. Hayley.JR. Colby. Maybe you. I can’t let this happen.” This keeps my (faint) hope alive that Skye will return to the Valley. Her father certainly needs her.

“I’ve ruined our friendship. I’ve ruined Fusion.” From your lips, Kendall…

“We spent the whole summer in NYC. In Hell’s Kitchen.” The clips were wonderful. The memories are wonderful. Sigh.

“You realize you are only thinking about yourself?” Well, Dixie, why should Adam behave differently than anyone else in PV?

Ruth! Joe dipping Ruth!

“Guess all that guilt is finally getting to you.” If only some of Tad’s guilt was getting to him. Oh, wait, Martins never have to feel guilty about anything. Silly me.

The most surprising thing this week? Ryan used the word “visceral.” Amnesia must raise one’s intelligence level. Who knew?

Will this week’s spoilers have us itching to eviscerate a stuffed elephant or not? Let’s see:

Over at the casino there is no time for cutting the wedding cake.

Jesse leaps from the roof to the helicopter in time to rescue Angie.

Pardon me while I rummage around for more tissues.

Tad and Julia are critically injured. Tad gets a helicopter ride toPVH. Julia takes a regular old ambulance because,hey,she’s going to die anyway.

OK, so I made part of that up. Truth is, they both are critically injured, and Tad takes a helicopter to PVH. I have no idea how Julia gets back to theValley. I am guessing she doesn’t hitchhike.

Joe, Jake, and Angie prepare to operate on Tad.

You know what would make me happy? If they had to beg the evil but sexy David Hayward to come back to save Tad’s life.

Meanwhile, Julia refuses surgery knowing it would just postpone the inevitable.

In this case “inevitable” means going from the backburner to being shown the door.

Krystal keeps Julia company while she dies.

Ruth would make more sense but then again she has already been on twice this month.

As Julia prepares to leave this life, “Dixie” pays her a visit. “Dixie” thanks her for taking good care of Kate.

“Really, thank you, Julia. You were a great babysitter. Now hurry along, dear. You don’t want to keep Noah waiting.”

Wanting to be there for his son, Adam goes to PVH. JR accuses Adam of wishing Tad would die.

And the problem with that is? Just kidding.

Adam realizes that knowing about Kate might just give Tad the will to live. Jake stops Adam from entering Tad’s room.

Isn’t this the third time Adam has tried to tell the truth? Just checking.

“Dixie” shows Tad what their life would have been like if she hadn’t died.

“ Tad,look at how happy we are. I’m making Monkey Bread and laughing at your ~~stupid~~ funny jokes. Oh, look, Liza Colby just moved back to town. See how happy you are hitting the sheets with her? See how angry I am because you betrayed me once again? See how self-righteous you are about cheating on me? Looks like I am moving back to Pigeon Hollow and taking Jenny with me. Good times, Tad. We can have good times like that again if only you’d wake up.”

Meanwhile, it’s Greenlee’s world. And don’t you forget it!

Zach helps Greenlee remove her engagement ring.

If this involves Zach sucking on Greenlee’s finger for lubrication, I am going to vomit. Actually, just using “Zach,” “Greenlee”, “sucking”, and “lubrication” in the same sentence is making me ill.

Greenlee decides to rid her penthouse of all things Spotted Dick. PoorAlphonso pays the ultimate price when Greens eviscerates him.

I have no idea what happens to Alphonso. I just like saying, “eviscerate.”

Greenlee pulls Zach into a kiss.

And thousands of viewers push Greens out the window.

Zach tells Greenlee that she is just acting out.

Why is this a spoiler? Isn’t Greenlee always acting out?

Kendall walks in .Greenlee runs out. Kendall becomes hysterical.

Why is this a spoiler? Isn’t Kendall always hysterical?

Greenlee jumps into her car and drives off into the night. She has a flat tire. Ryan rescues her. She suggests they run off together.

Of course she does. After all, she needs a travelling companion more than Spike and Emma need a father.

Ryan tells Greenlee that she is just acting out.

Again, why is this a spoiler?

Greenlee decides to destroyFusion.

Now this is acting out I can get behind.

One other thing happens, too.

Annie remains determined to have Ryan’s baby.

Damn, she is just as nuts as her brother is, isn’t she?

Oh, those AMC writers.

AMC has a new head writer and it’s Charles Pratt, Jr. You may know him from crime shows such as “General Hospital.” Fortunately, his experience is not limited to GH.

I’m trying to remain neutral on this. Sometimes things get better with a new head writer, sometimes they don’t. AMC still has the same Executive Producer and, of course, Brian Frons remains head of ABCD.

I have never understood why ABCD keeps recycling writers (does the name Megan McTavish ring a bell?). As far as I can tell, they are the only network that does.

Mr. Pratt is a recast and all recasts deserve a chance to settle in and make their mark. AMC is lucky to have good breakdown and dialogue writers (waving to Amanda Beall). I hope that Mr.Pratt and his experienced staff will give us an AMC we look forward to watching everyday instead of searching for our FFbuttons.

(Yes, sometimes I am delusional.)

Here’s to another week in the Valley!